11-11-11

i know this means something... but i cant imagine what.
i mean, its obviously significant.
for example: just today some amish kid cut off his dads beard. dont tell me theres nothing to that!
thats like something out of a bob dylan song.
i mean, its veterans day, which might have something to do with it.
maybe wars? something war related?
or, if you do the math than you get -11, so maybe its about something negative happening.
like maybe a bad war?
but its getting pretty late, so im not sure thats going to go down today.
and when you google it, you get a lot of people talking about how 11/11 numerical sequences have something to do with angels, which seems like it would be a good thing, but angels also tend to show up when the worlds going to end. but thats not going down till next year...
...
i dont know.
i wish my lame friends would have gone to see 11-11-11 with me.
that would have cleared some shit up.

Spooktacular 2011 Lineup

Watch this space (with all due apologies)

Movie Review: 'Taxidermia'

i almost threw up / *****

im not really sure how youre supposed to rate an experience like that.
i mean, i guess that was what they were going for. so... good for them?
if youre a hungarian maybe you can better appreciate the subtle satire of a guy with a hare lip having sex with a dead pig during wwii.
for everyone else the rewards of experiencing this are a little harder to quantify.

April Fool's Day

i know its been a while, but i wanted to wish everybody a happy april fools day.
aka - the day when everyone is encouraged to play practical jokes, and ironically the day when practical jokes are least likely to pay off since everyone will be expecting them.
if you think about it, april fools day is a giant practical joke on all the practical jokers.
good one chaucer.
personally i havent participated in such things since 9/11 (we will never forget).
i think that america needs greater unity than ever in these dark days, but thats just me.
so enjoy putting plastic spiders in the food of your fellow americans.
ill bet osama bin laden would think that was a laugh riot.

Movie Review: 'Irreversible'

*** / *****

its a little late for valentines day, but if youve ever left a movie thinking, "that anal rape scene felt truncated," this is the movie for you.
also, never talk to me again.
thanks.

V-Day Heist

hey did you hear about that stuff in egypt?
thats pretty cool.
i feel the same way about it as i do about the cowboys & aliens movie.
im cautiously optimistic.
still i worry that civil order might be on the decline. first the stuff in the middle east, and then just yesterday i saw some guy steal a rose from food lion.
and i just let it happen.
i mean, i saw the guy slipping it under his coat and heading for the door, and i could have alerted the cashier, but i didnt.
cause i thought to myself, as i do in all high stress situations, “what would jesus do?” and i imagined that his reaction would be much the same as mine. specifically that hed be scared the guy would say, “man, what? i dont even have the scratch to buy my old lady a rose, and you want to hassle me about it? well i dont have five dollars, shylock! will a pound of flesh do?”
and then hed stab me.
and really hed have to, cause that rose was probably for someone special.
at least i assume it was. i doubt you could get much crack in exchange for a single red rose.
unless your dealer was a hopeless romantic, which i imagine would be hell for business.
so hopefully some poor person is a little happier this valentines day.
i guess if you dont have the money to buy someone you love a gift, its always best to steal it.
at least this way he wont end up like the gift of the magi.
unless his girlfriend took out a loan to buy him a super expensive “im so proud of you for not stealing my valentines day present” medal.
have a happy one.

Book Review: Extreme Canvas

***** / *****

i know what you’re thinking:
“$50 for a book? thats way too expensive!”
its ok that you think that.
youre just ignorant.
the question is, what are you going to do once youve educated yourself?
i think youll make the right decision.

sven again ('s rainbow)

the good news: im feeling a lot better and am ready to use the time i have left to the fullest.
the bad news: almost immediately after reaching this conclusion, i “done fucked up in the game”
after finding out about that rare exports movie i was thinking that scandinavia cant be all that bad. plus i was bored, so i figured id get back in touch with sven, the norwegian exchange student who lived with us back in high school.
we didnt part on the best of terms and i figured i should be the bigger man and try and make peace with him.
so i sent him the following email. i even google translated it into norwegian for him:

hello sven
hope everything is going well in norway.
ive heard things in europe have been pretty rough. i hope your welfare is still going strong and that china will not be too harsh on you guys when they take over.
that thing with the noble prize was pretty ballsy by the way. did you, or anyone you know, have anything to do with that? how does that work?
it must have been pretty cool to see your country in the news. the last time i remember hearing about you guys was when you put a penguin in your army. did you, or anyone you know, have anything to do with that? i hope not, cause that was a dumb thing to do.
the chinese wont think thats cute.
theyll see it as a sign of weakness (which it is)
anyway, things in america are going pretty well. did you hear that our president is black? im not sure how much of our news makes it out your way.
is our news like your news, since you guys dont do anything except infuriate the chinese and have parades for birds?
when i reminded people in war that you existed, they all hoped you were well.
well, this email aint going to end itself.
frank

the next day i got his response:

DEAREST FRANK. HELLO! GREAT TO HERE FROM YOU! I SEE YOU’VE GOT A NEW EMAIL ADDRESS. I TRIED WRITING THE ONE YOU GAVE ME WHEN I LEFT, BUT I KEPT GETTING ERROR. MUST HAVE MISSPELLED IT. SORRY ;) I’M ACTUALLY SWEDISH, BUT THAT WAS VERY SWEET OF YOU TO GOOGLE TRANSLATE INTO NORWAY. I ACTUALLY DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT NOBLE PEACE PRIZE OR PENGUINS, BUT I CAN ASK AROUND ;) MY WELFARE IS DOING FUNE, THANKS FOR ASKING. I HOPE THE CHINESE DON’T TAKE OVER, A FRIEND TOLD ME THEY MIGHT NOT AND I HOPE THEY DON’T ;) I WAS VERY HAPPY TO HEAR ABOUT OBAMA’S ELECTION. YES, WE FOLLOW AMERICAN NEWS VERY CLOSE, BUT THINGS CAN GET PRETTY CRAZY HERE AS WELL! THERE WAS RECENTLY A CAR ACCIDENT IN BJURHOLM. NOT SURE IF THAT MADE THE AMERICAN NEWS SWERVICE? LOVE, SVEN. PS - REALLY WIERD TOO GET EMAIL FROM YOU. I WATCHED SUPERMAN AGAIN DAY BEFORE. COINCIDENCE ;)

as you can probably guess from the capitalization and proliferation of winking faces, sven has since been forwarding me “funny” pictures and norwegian language chain letters every few hours.
i opened pandoras box and now my email is ruined.

Movie Review: 'Crash'

** / *****

all the critics made this sound like some kind of great, insightful analysis of racial tension.
maybe i just dont get it but what does james spader having sex with rosanna arquettes leg wound have to do with race in america?
although who can blame him?
paul haggis misses the point completely.

Five Stages

hope you guys had a crazy good new years.
and a crazy good first three weeks of new years.
personally ive been kubler-rossing it up something fierce!
i guess im a pretty emotionally mature person, because i never had to go through the denial stage.
ive always known the world was going to end in 2012.
although things basically balanced out since i replaced that step with the “spontaneously projectile vomiting at the stroke of midnight while everyone else is trying to enjoy their champagne” stage of grief.
then came anger. i spent the first few days of 2011 complaining to everyone about how unfair it is that we should all die just because the mayans got bored of making calendars.
i mean, honestly. suck it up.
they should have appreciated that we wouldnt all have had the luxury of being long ago wiped out by spanish conquistadors (not sure if theyll play a role in 2012...)
but im pretty much over that. and i guess im past bargaining. ive already ruled out my plan of changing my grad school applications from film studies majors to fast track programs focusing on spaceship construction and terraforming
currently i am waist deep in soul smothering despair; so acceptance - here i come!
i cant wait until im reconciled to the fact that life must simply be lived to the fullest, cause i imagine that mindset involves a lot more sipping mai tais on the beach and a lot less having to pull the car over the side of the road cause you cant stop weeping hysterically.

Dilemma

i dont like to interrupt my twilight zone marathons, but this is important and theyre playing that one where the kids buy the electric grandmother, so ill be quick.
normally i make resolutions for the new year, but im having a lot of trouble with that this time and i need to know: the whole 2012 thing... how does that actually works?
cause the main thing on my christmas wish list this year were books about 2012, and my family totally dropped the ball.
i mean, is this our last year on earth?
or are we actually going to make it into the year 2012?
and if we do, do we have the whole year, or is the end going to sneak up and happen on March 5 or something?
i need to know, because thats crucial information for resolution crafting.
it can mean the difference between resolving to never eat a gas station honey bun again, or seeing if you can break some kind of world record for eating gas station honey buns.
crap, ive got to go.
after all this might be my last twilight zone marathon.
until the 4th of july.

Christmas

thanks to everyone for getting me much better presents than what i got them.
youd think that they cared about me and thought about my wants a lot more than i did theirs.
youd only be right in some cases.
for the others, better luck next year.
love,
frank

1 More Day

youre running through the woods.
you look behind you to see if youve lost it.
YOU TRIP!
a hidden tree root or something, your ankle twists and you fall down hard.
you scramble forward on your hands and knees, blind in the dark. your hand reaches out and touches a foot.
you look up.
its christmas eve.
and you hear christmas coming, slow and steady, through the woods.

2 More Days

its so close you can almost feel your chestnuts roasting...

3 More Days

oh man...

The Rut

im sorry to say that ive fallen into a rut this christmas season.
its my own fault. i jumped the gun when i went and learned the true meaning of thanksgiving.
total rookie mistake.
after something like that i need at least two months before i can start taking everyone and everything in my life for granted again.
without any true meaning of christmases to learn ive just been sitting around, drinking beer and eating cookies.
i was hoping last nights combination lunar eclipse / winter solstice / almost full moon / taco bell would stir up a little action, but i didnt see a single christmas werewolf.
the only thing i got from sitting outside all night with a gun was a cold.
so since i totally appreciate christmas all i can do is look forward to it.
oh well.
four more days.
get excited, i guess.

Movie Review: 'Reign of Fire'

**** / *****

this movie had a shitload of dragons in it.
in fact, if i have any issue with it, it would be that it features too many dragons.
how many movies can you say that about?

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED

Thanksgiven

did you know theres a true meaning of thanksgiving?
i think i sort of did, but it can sneak up on you since thanksgiving is such a bullshit holiday.
this was my first thanksgiving with my family since i went off to college, and it was pretty rough.
its hard to just stop going to other familys thanksgivings cold turkey.
im not sure if youve ever spent thanksgiving with a family that isnt yours, but it can be pretty sweet.
people tend to treat you like a wounded baby raccoon they found on the side of the road. they assume you must be pretty sad, and they know you won’t be around for long, so they go out of their way to make you comfortable.
with your real family, people are a lot more comfortable asking you to rake the leaves or help out with home improvement projects.
so halfway through the meal i excused myself from the table and drove to a friends house. i knocked on the door and told them that my family had all just suddenly died at once and could they make room at their table?
all i got from them was an offer to call 9-11.
realizing there were no real friends here, i told them it was alright and drove a couple of towns over to find a 7-11 where they wouldnt know me, and where i could buy a hot dog to recapture some of the magic of my first thanksgiving alone.
cause if you have the right attitude, lonely thanksgiving can be as good as thanksgiving with someone elses family.
it makes you feel tough.
so i got my hotdog and started eating it right there in the store. the guy at the register asked me to leave, but i told him i was an orphan.
a homeless orphan.
and it was cold outside.
the guy said that he knew what it was to be a leaf in the wind (?) and gave me the hot dog and a honey bun for free.
then he took me in the back to show me his collection of girly mags.
then it quickly stopped being cool.
i dont want to bore you with the details, but it turns out there are serious advantages to not actually being on the margins of society, and having people in your life who care enough to make you dinner even if it isnt for some holiday.
because usually strangers dont want to make you a nice meal.
in fact, sometimes they want to...
like i said, i dont want to bore you with the details.

Movie Review: 'Predators'

***** / *****

guess what decided to show up over three weeks too late to my house?
i take that back.
its never too late to get a realistic predator face mask in the mail.
to celebrate, i drank a bottle of red wine (not easy with the mask on) and watched predators twice in a row.
is it a perfect movie?
yes.
thats why ive watched it every day since i got the dvd.
i honestly didnt think we were going to get another real predator movie in my lifetime. i thought they were just going to spend the rest of cinematic history sissing around town with their alien gal pals.
but the predators are back and i couldnt be happier.
looks like ill have something to actually be thankful for this year, instead of just faking it like the last 20.

Xanga / Blogger

i feel like ive been having an affair.
recently ive been juggling two blogs, and i dont think thats fair to either one.
blogger, i think you need to know about xanga.
xanga is where this all started, and its got a very special place in my heart.
but i think the only people still using xanga are me, a couple of neo-nazis, and the website “freak fuck.”
especially “freak fuck,” which is the first hit whenever you use the xanga search function.
even if you search “swiftboatvet4truth.”
in fact, “freak fuck” is so pervasive that i have to assume that its revenue is the only thing keeping xanga afloat.
as much as i love xanga, i am not willing to rest the future of my online diary solely on the financial stability of a website featuring a man with penis hands giving it to the young ladies.
although i suspect that if anything is recession proof, that would be it.
so im not leaving my xanga.
im just going to be spending a lot more time with the younger version of my xanga whose links arent all broken.
i think we can make it work.