turns out we didnt win the orphan.
because even though our gift of 2 xboxes duck taped together was by far the coolest, it didnt cost the most.
some yuppie kid (who rumor has it already has a couple of asian kids, give someone else a chance punk) bought him a tuba.
which apparently is really expensive.
i mean i dont know anyone who plays tuba, but i guess they must be big somewhere.
probably california.
but thats fine, cause the orphan was a real downer.
he wasnt one of those lovable scamp orphans youre always seeing in movies.
he was one of those 'my parents are dead' orphans.
originally posted: Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Book Review: The Master of Disguise: My Secret Life in the CIA
*** ½ /*****
The inspiration for the classic blockbuster. Though the movie was a lot better nothing can beat Mendez's terrifying true account of being "the turtle man". although i think he was doing it to fight nazis. not get into some turtley club.
originally posted: Saturday, December 18, 2004
Orphan
i am a member of the glee club (i am in it for the chicks).
and this christmas the glee club adopted an orphan.
and were going to send in gifts to him.
only theres a catch.
see we really adopted him.
and whoever buys him the best gift gets to keep him.
me and gary have joined together and we have about $250.
i mean we might not make the best parents, but we would be better then the orphanage.
there youre all like, "please sir can i have some more?"
and theyre all like, "more!?"
kids shouldnt have to deal with that. thats where we come in, and you too.
if you contribute $10 you get to have him every other Monday.
so be sure to contribute, because it takes a village to raise a child. and it takes a childs healthy kidneys to make a mint on the black market.
originally posted: Monday, December 13, 2004
and this christmas the glee club adopted an orphan.
and were going to send in gifts to him.
only theres a catch.
see we really adopted him.
and whoever buys him the best gift gets to keep him.
me and gary have joined together and we have about $250.
i mean we might not make the best parents, but we would be better then the orphanage.
there youre all like, "please sir can i have some more?"
and theyre all like, "more!?"
kids shouldnt have to deal with that. thats where we come in, and you too.
if you contribute $10 you get to have him every other Monday.
so be sure to contribute, because it takes a village to raise a child. and it takes a childs healthy kidneys to make a mint on the black market.
originally posted: Monday, December 13, 2004
Manger-Off™
we didnt win the Manger-Off™.
but we almost did, and it was all thanks to me!
i thought i totally forgot my lines.
because i totally forgot i didnt have any lines.
so i just started making stuff up.
i was faking seizures at first while i figured out what to do, and then i launched into my shepherds backstory: a dark tale of drug abuse and loose women.
it all culminated in the grand finale, in which i picked up the baby jesus and said, "wait a minute, this isnt our lord and savior. its a bomb!"
there wasnt a dry eye in the house.
we lost the competition to the 'domestic drama' take (which was just joseph and mary arguing about hotel reservations) but we won the audience.
and i won my freedom.
because i was kicked out of youth group.
originally posted: Saturday, December 04, 2004
but we almost did, and it was all thanks to me!
i thought i totally forgot my lines.
because i totally forgot i didnt have any lines.
so i just started making stuff up.
i was faking seizures at first while i figured out what to do, and then i launched into my shepherds backstory: a dark tale of drug abuse and loose women.
it all culminated in the grand finale, in which i picked up the baby jesus and said, "wait a minute, this isnt our lord and savior. its a bomb!"
there wasnt a dry eye in the house.
we lost the competition to the 'domestic drama' take (which was just joseph and mary arguing about hotel reservations) but we won the audience.
and i won my freedom.
because i was kicked out of youth group.
originally posted: Saturday, December 04, 2004
Event: Friday, December 03, 2004
West Virginia Manger-Off - 5 stars my big night. |
The True Meaning of Christmas
man that shepherding convention was crazy fun!
and by “shepherding convention” i mean “the overpass the other shepherds and i were hiding under to avoid going to the convention.”
and by “crazy fun” i mean “cold, smelly and damp.”
but it was under that little overpass that the other shepherds (paulie and gary) and i learned the true meaning of christmas.
there were a bunch of hobos having a christmas feast, and even though it was only a half full can of kidney beans, they invited us to join them.
and that is what christmas is about.
giving.
and even though one of them stuck paulie with a dirty needle, i will never forget that lesson.
so have a good christmas.
you know, when its actually christmas….
originally posted: Thursday, December 02, 2004
and by “shepherding convention” i mean “the overpass the other shepherds and i were hiding under to avoid going to the convention.”
and by “crazy fun” i mean “cold, smelly and damp.”
but it was under that little overpass that the other shepherds (paulie and gary) and i learned the true meaning of christmas.
there were a bunch of hobos having a christmas feast, and even though it was only a half full can of kidney beans, they invited us to join them.
and that is what christmas is about.
giving.
and even though one of them stuck paulie with a dirty needle, i will never forget that lesson.
so have a good christmas.
you know, when its actually christmas….
originally posted: Thursday, December 02, 2004
Friday, September 24, 2010
Book Review: Race Against Evil
**** ½ /*****
people are always saying to me ‘frank, youre a kid. is this a safe world for kids to live in?’
and i always respond ‘first of all im not a kid, as you can see im already growing a downy mustache. and secondly it could be a lot worse if we didnt have men like race bannon.’
to which they respond, ‘im sorry I didnt mean to offend you with the kid comment but-’
at which point ill jump in and say 'thats alright’
theyll then continue ‘but race bannon is just a cartoon character.’
to which ill say ‘wrong again bitch! DR. race bannon is fighting to make this a less child porny world. just read race against evil his award (pending) life story.’
then ill start to walk away before turning around to say ‘sorry for calling you a bitch. that was totally uncalled for.’
originally posted: Saturday, November 27, 2004
Thanksgiving
my aunt was all up in my face during thanksgiving dinner
she was like: if you didnt eat so much food you could get a girlfriend.
so I was like: if you didnt say stuff like that maybe her husband wouldnt have ran off with that hispanic woman.
apparently some people can dish it out, but they cant take it.
hope you had a good one.
originally posted: Thursday, November 25, 2004
she was like: if you didnt eat so much food you could get a girlfriend.
so I was like: if you didnt say stuff like that maybe her husband wouldnt have ran off with that hispanic woman.
apparently some people can dish it out, but they cant take it.
hope you had a good one.
originally posted: Thursday, November 25, 2004
Event: Thursday, November 25, 2004
Thanksgiving - 3 stars
When: Thursday, November 25, 2004 @ 12:00 AM
Duration: 1 day
Where: Right here
thanksgiving is that time that we all give thanks... that we dont live nearer to our relatives! am i right people?
seriously almost all my relatives are cheat lake snobs. theyre all like "oh its four degrees colder here. how droll!"
i was born and raised here in war, and i know how the real world works.
the up side is i have a cousin from fort gay.
talk about comic potential!
Movie Review: 'The Incredibles'
**/*****
man.
i thought the incredibles was the perfect movie to dump my baby cousin at.
w-r-o-n-g. and that spells wrong.
after mr.incredible was forced to hide under the remains of one of his dead friends, i had to leave.
i havent heard my cousin cry that loud since i told him he was adopted earlier that morning.
originally posted: Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Soul Sucking Project
man this Manger-Off™ is the real deal, i was out for 6 hours last night just being screamed at.
cause im no dancer.
i mean the first half of the play is fine. i can dance shock like a pro.
but i just cant get the quiet reverential wonderment down.
so my youth minister was like 'know your character better then you know yourself. make their disappointments and sorrow yours. then take all that knowledge and roll it into a ball and eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.'
the last hour though was just trust exercises for the whole cast.
and since gary (shepherd #3) didnt catch me now all the shepherds have to go to a shepherding convention and share a room together.
not cool.
originally posted: Wednesday, November 24, 2004
cause im no dancer.
i mean the first half of the play is fine. i can dance shock like a pro.
but i just cant get the quiet reverential wonderment down.
so my youth minister was like 'know your character better then you know yourself. make their disappointments and sorrow yours. then take all that knowledge and roll it into a ball and eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.'
the last hour though was just trust exercises for the whole cast.
and since gary (shepherd #3) didnt catch me now all the shepherds have to go to a shepherding convention and share a room together.
not cool.
originally posted: Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Music Review: 'Happy Times Ten'
*****/*****
from the guys who brought you hampsterdance.com comes the cd that will sweep japan in a matter of seconds.
even if you dont like hampster dance you gotta give props to hampton (lead singer). i was among the huge number of skeptics who though he could never rebound after... the incident, but he did.
how he manages to write songs like "Hi Ho Let Your Rhythm Flow" , "Do Ya Do Ya" and "It's a Hampster Night" AND raise his adopted child with lover fuzzy (the cute one) is beyond me.
even if you dont like hampster dance you gotta give props to hampton (lead singer). i was among the huge number of skeptics who though he could never rebound after... the incident, but he did.
how he manages to write songs like "Hi Ho Let Your Rhythm Flow" , "Do Ya Do Ya" and "It's a Hampster Night" AND raise his adopted child with lover fuzzy (the cute one) is beyond me.
originally posted: Saturday, November 20, 2004
Play
to fill up the kenneth-shaped hole in my heart ive joined my youth group's interpretive dance christmas pageant as shepard #2.
but this isnt going to be fruity like most plays/interpretive dances.
this is part of the West Virginia Manger Off™.
its this huge competition between all the churches in west virginia to see who can put on the best manger scene and the winner gets to stand outside of the state capitol building on christmas night.
too bad i wont be with them if we do win.
cause i got shingles.
originally posted: Tuesday, November 16, 2004
but this isnt going to be fruity like most plays/interpretive dances.
this is part of the West Virginia Manger Off™.
its this huge competition between all the churches in west virginia to see who can put on the best manger scene and the winner gets to stand outside of the state capitol building on christmas night.
too bad i wont be with them if we do win.
cause i got shingles.
originally posted: Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Event: Saturday, November 13, 2004
The True Story of Alexander the Great - 4 stars
When: Saturday, November 13, 2004 @ 8:00 PM
Duration: 3 hours
Where: The History Channel (where history comes alive)
when i grow up i want to be just like colin farrel.
the problem is colin farrel is always making it more and more difficult.
dating britney spears, dating... someone else.
and now hes going to conquer asia in a movie about alexander the great
not cool col.
so im going to watch this to find out how i can conquer asia.
so watch the history channel, with me.
'cause "he wasn't called alexander the dumbass"!
When: Saturday, November 13, 2004 @ 8:00 PM
Duration: 3 hours
Where: The History Channel (where history comes alive)
when i grow up i want to be just like colin farrel.
the problem is colin farrel is always making it more and more difficult.
dating britney spears, dating... someone else.
and now hes going to conquer asia in a movie about alexander the great
not cool col.
so im going to watch this to find out how i can conquer asia.
so watch the history channel, with me.
'cause "he wasn't called alexander the dumbass"!
Terrible News
kenneth has been arrested.
so now hes going to jail.
and not cartoon jail where there are like, two kittens, and one kittens like, “ill give you a pack of cigs if you kill someone.”
no this is scary real jail, like the one on HBO
so kenneth will probably be raped
just consider the evidence:
1) his name is kenneth
2) hes short as hell
3) the stache is obviously fake
but even when kenneth is raped (which he will be, im saying 56% chance by a big black man), ill still be his friend.
cause hes going to need me then more then ever.
and that’s what friends are for.
and about.
originally posted: Tuesday, November 09, 2004
so now hes going to jail.
and not cartoon jail where there are like, two kittens, and one kittens like, “ill give you a pack of cigs if you kill someone.”
no this is scary real jail, like the one on HBO
so kenneth will probably be raped
just consider the evidence:
1) his name is kenneth
2) hes short as hell
3) the stache is obviously fake
but even when kenneth is raped (which he will be, im saying 56% chance by a big black man), ill still be his friend.
cause hes going to need me then more then ever.
and that’s what friends are for.
and about.
originally posted: Tuesday, November 09, 2004
New Best Friend
yah thats right.
me and keith are through.
cause keith got stabbed, and now hes dead.
but thats cool cause i got a new best friend.
his name is kenneth. and he stabbed keith.
me and keith used to rag on kenneth all the time but now that hes killed someone hes the coolest kid in school.
i didnt think he had it in him.
i mean consider the evidence:
1) his name is kenneth
2) hes short as hell
3) the stache is obviously fake
but kenneth totally suprised me, and now were tight.
so forget keith.
hes dead to me.
originally posted: Monday, November 08, 2004
me and keith are through.
cause keith got stabbed, and now hes dead.
but thats cool cause i got a new best friend.
his name is kenneth. and he stabbed keith.
me and keith used to rag on kenneth all the time but now that hes killed someone hes the coolest kid in school.
i didnt think he had it in him.
i mean consider the evidence:
1) his name is kenneth
2) hes short as hell
3) the stache is obviously fake
but kenneth totally suprised me, and now were tight.
so forget keith.
hes dead to me.
originally posted: Monday, November 08, 2004
Bush
im going to kill kerry
yes thats right bush is still our president, despite my intimidation campaign.
i waited outside polling places and intimidated white republicans. not because i dont support our president, i just want to balence out the universe.
so bush is president and everyone is so scared just because the republicans control the entire country.
everyones like, "oh no! im going to lose my freedom!"
well sure you wont be able to kill your baby or support terror, but i for one gained a freedom.
i can now threaten the life of john kerry as freely as i do the lives of those who read this.
and i call on all of you to rally behind our president. the only man who had the courage to stand up to saddam, who killed every victim of 9-11 with his bare hands.
we will never forget.
originally posted: Wednesday, November 03, 2004
yes thats right bush is still our president, despite my intimidation campaign.
i waited outside polling places and intimidated white republicans. not because i dont support our president, i just want to balence out the universe.
so bush is president and everyone is so scared just because the republicans control the entire country.
everyones like, "oh no! im going to lose my freedom!"
well sure you wont be able to kill your baby or support terror, but i for one gained a freedom.
i can now threaten the life of john kerry as freely as i do the lives of those who read this.
and i call on all of you to rally behind our president. the only man who had the courage to stand up to saddam, who killed every victim of 9-11 with his bare hands.
we will never forget.
originally posted: Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Book Review: The Official Pokémon Handbook
Election Day
after today and several months of lawsuits, it will be illegal to end the sentence "im going to kill..." with the name bush, or kerry.
whos it going to be?
ill tell you who it wont be.
hollywood dave.
and thats patent pending bs.
originally posted: Tuesday, November 02, 2004
whos it going to be?
ill tell you who it wont be.
hollywood dave.
and thats patent pending bs.
originally posted: Tuesday, November 02, 2004
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