2007 Spooktacular Lineup

Spooktacular #5 - Freaks
i know, i know, i promised never to show an old movie.
before color the only thing people thought was scary was the prospect of someone not buying war bonds.
but there are some advantages to movies from the olden days.
for instance, no one objected to depicting the handicapped like this.
a friend of mine dragged me to the disability film festival (yeah, thats a real thing) and this was playing there.
i dont know why, i guess to show that the disabled are just as capable of mutilating attractive women as the rest of us.

Spooktacular #4 - Frankenhooker
ive never seen this movie.
but i dont need to to know its great.
just from the title, i know this is about a zombie hooker. presumably made up of chunks of several dead hookers.
and apparently it involves a tragic lawnmower accident (are there any other kinds?)
mary shelly wishes she could come up with something like this.

Spooktacular #3 - I Spit on Your Grave
(not to be confused with I Spit Chew on Your Grave or I Spit on Your Corpse, I Piss on Your Grave)
so, once frankenhooker is over, i figure i should play something to even things out for the ladies (for real, there will be some there this year).
now i dont "get" feminism, but i have seen this movie like 15 times.
which means i have an unofficial doctorate in womens studies.
which is unfortunately every bit as useless as an official doctorate in womens studies.
the point is, if all feminism was like this, women would have gotten the vote a lot sooner.
abigail adams should have said: "remember the ladies, or they'll chop off your thing and let you bleed out in a tub."
id have listened.

Spooktacular #2 - Wolfen
this past columbus day i was celebrating by wearing my columbus costume when some hippy chick threw red paint on me and screamed, "columbus is murder!"
ill tell you whats murder: ruining a guys columbus costume.
those things arent cheap.
im sure she was talking about the indians and i wish i could invite her to this movie.
if it wasnt for small pox and men like columbus and albert finney, these indians/wolves would have walked all over us and our freedom.
god bless america.
... and halloween.

Spooktacular #1 - Weasels Rip My Flesh
when you think of indie movies, what comes to mind?
long, boring films where nothing happens?
subtitles?
graphic old person on horse sex?
thats a shame because some indie movies are 'weasels rip my flesh.'
well, one of them is.
these guys didnt even have the budget to find out what weasels actually were but that didnt stop them from making one of the best horror movies ever!
theres only one thing you can really object to in this movie.
you see that hot woman on the cover?
well theres a reason shes just a drawing, shes not in this.
in fact, no women are.
its just the directors hairy guy friends.
still, not only is this movie a triumph of the human spirit, its this years #1 spooktacular movie!