ive been looking forward to a new friday the 13th every friday the 13th since the last friday the 13th when they had a friday the 13th.
but this one is apparently just jason in the woods killing teenagers.
now dont get me wrong, thats what i loved about these movies in the first place. but news flash hollywood: you cant go home again.
we already had that movie. it was called friday the 13th 2 and it was great.
but since then, everyone has brought something fresh to the mix.
even when they made him into a zombie in 6, the people who made 7 knew they couldnt just rest on their laurels. they had to make him a zombie fighting a psychic.
they sent him to space, and now hes just a dude in the woods again?
you cant go from space to boring! thats not how it works!
mostly im mad because it feels like i wasted all that time writing my friday the 13th screenplay.
heres what i was thinking: hes in space, right?
thats established. thats done.
so theyve got all this fancy technology in space, right?
so they trick jason into going into a time machine and BAM! hes in the middle ages.
i dont want to give too much away, but amazing happens.
heres an excerpt:
EXT. MIDDLE AGES – NIGHT
PEASANT #45 and LADY PEASANT #76 are behind the MUTTON SHOP, tonguing down like there’s no tomorrow (which there isn’t, but they don’t know that yet, and neither does the audience).
LADY PEASANT #76
What if my ye’ olde man hears us?
What if my ye’ olde man hears us?
PEASANT #45
Your father can’t hear anything over the roar of his plague.
Your father can’t hear anything over the roar of his plague.
That MUSIC starts playing, you know the one, the one that means JASON’S around. At this point, BLACK PEOPLE will probably start yelling things at the screen like: “RUN BITCH!” The PEASANTS can’t hear, and they just keep going at it.
JASON emerges, wearing BLOODY KNIGHT ARMOR and carrying a BLOODY SWORD. He CLEAVES PEASANT #45 IN HALF!
LADY PEASANT #76 starts SCREAMING. She ISN’T WEARING A SHIRT (she was never wearing a shirt, I just forgot to mention that until now). Her BREASTS are covered in LIQUIFIED PEASANT #45. Things don’t look good.
DRAGON comes up behind her and EATS most of HER.
JASON throws up his arms as if to say: “Dude, Dragon, I was totally about to kill her!” DRAGON shimmies and shakes as if to say: “Sorry Jason, but she looked good enough to eat.” JASON and DRAGON laugh/roar, high five. (Note: A lot of JASON and DRAGON’s scenes together will rely on EXPRESSIVE EYE ACTING and PHOTOREALISTIC CGI EYE ACTING. It will be THE DIRECTOR’S JOB to deal with that – Peter Jackson?).
thats right, my friday the 13th would have jason teaming up with a dragon.
but i guess well just have to wait 20 more years for the remake to take us to a point where Friday the 13th Part 11: A Retarded Sociopathic Zombie in King Arthur’s Court makes sense.
originally posted: Friday, February 13, 2009
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